No, he didn't want this. He felt like a horrible sinner. He wondered what he had done all these years as a christian. 'Christianity' the religion he proclaims. What does it really means to him after all. He knew he wasn't behaving the way a christian should. He preferred the pleasureable things in life, and the carefree style of living. Plain lazy, he calls it. He even seemed to be proud of it! He enjoyed the look on people's faces when he sailed through things nobody expected a lazy person to. 'Buck up, act like the adult you are!' he scolded himself, for the thousandth time. It was no use.. there is just absolutely no way out of this. Hes just going to end up a useless scum. He strived against it in an inner battle constantly, but he appears to be suffering a series of loss. The exit sign always looks so tempting. He looked around, his eyes lingering momentarily upon her as it passed by. It was no good. He is not good enough and he never will be. It is hard to pull himself back, and to not like her, but it will be achieved somehow. He told himself. Yet, he allowed his eyes to linger for just a little longer upon that beautiful girl. Self control was not something he was particularly good at, anyway. He did not look for his friends, not wishing for thier company. The helplessness of awaiting the inevitable tugged at him again. He tried to ignore it. Little comfort. His many mistakes in this once happy life of his, had created a series of irrevertable consequences, that are just crouching, waiting to pounce upon him, with no remedy at all. Surely loniless is God's divine punishment for so naughty a boy as himself.